I've Learned to Breathe Underwater
by arysa13
Summary: When Bellamy doesn't make it back from Mount Weather, Clarke blames herself. A Grounder witch shows her how things could have gone if she had never existed.


It takes longer than Clarke would have liked, but eventually those trapped in Mount Weather make it out. There are shouts from outside and Clarke races out to see what the commotion is. She sees the gates open and Lincoln walks in first, carrying Harper. He almost drops her when Octavia runs over to him, trying to put her arms around him while he struggles to keep Harper from falling. Abby and some others relieve him of the weight of Harper, carrying her to medical.

Lincoln whispers something to Octavia, glancing at Clarke as he does so. From the way her hand flies to her mouth and the distress in her eyes, Clarke can tell it isn't good news. Her stomach sinks and she turns her eyes back to the gate.

The others follow Lincoln inside, and Clarke does a mental head check of everyone who walks in the gate. She manages a grin when Monty skips up to her and hugs her, though she can hardly feel relieved just yet. Jasper walks past, looking mopey and gives her a nod.

"They found out Maya helped us," Monty explained. "He didn't want to leave her but we couldn't exactly bring her with us." Clarke nods in understanding, but even as Monty is talking she is looking past him, searching for Bellamy. "Clarke…" Monty says softly. Her heart begins to pound and panic rises as she looks at Monty. This scene is all too familiar.

"He didn't make it out, Clarke," Monty says. She wants to say something, to reassure Monty, to let him know she's alright. But she _isn't. _"He sacrificed himself so we could get out," Monty whispers, his eyes downcast. "I tried to stop him, I swear. He thought he might still be able to get out… and I told him he didn't know that for sure…"

"It's fine, Monty," Clarke interrupts harshly. It's all she can do to keep her voice from cracking, to keep from breaking down into a mess of tears.

"He said it was worth the risk," Monty finishes quietly. Clarke has heard enough. She can't even manage anymore words herself. After all, hasn't she said enough? Wasn't it those exact words that brought them to this moment? And it would have been worth the risk, it would have been, but only if he'd made it back with everyone else. Because when she said those words to him, she was trying to be strong, but even in that moment she hadn't really believed he wouldn't make it. And she hadn't even said a proper goodbye.

Clarke pushes past Monty and towards the gate. She isn't really sure where she's going, she only knows she can't possibly bear to be around everyone right now, because she knows they will either blame her or pity her and she can do that herself.

She breaks out into a run once she is out of sight of the camp and she doesn't stop until she has to, because she reaches the edge of a lake, and her chest is heaving and she can't tell if it's from the exertion of running or from the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to overwhelm her.

She falls to her knees and let's out a sob, but she doesn't let the tears fall from her eyes. _I have to be strong_, she thinks. She looks out to the lake and without further thought begins to strip off her clothes. _Maybe once I'm clean I'll be okay. _

It's a foolish thought and she knows deep down it doesn't make sense, but she wades naked into the freezing water anyway, hardly noticing the chill against her skin. _It's all my fault,_ she thinks with each step. _Everything that's happened. Everyone we've lost. _

The water is up to her neck but she keeps walking, and then she can't touch the bottom, and she can't swim but it doesn't matter because the water taking her under is kind of calming. So she closes her eyes and she can't breathe, and for a moment she panics but it's over in a split second because the water fills her lungs and then the world goes black.

She wakes slowly and she has no idea where she is. It's dark except for the warm glow of a campfire flickering beside her. She realises she can't see the sky, so she must be inside somewhere. Had someone rescued her and brought her back to the ark? She sits up and realises she's still naked except for a fur blanket that someone has wrapped around her.

There's someone sitting on the other side of the fire, a woman she's never seen before. At least, she thinks it's a woman. She can only see the eyes of the stranger as she is covered from head to toe in dark materials. Clarke stares at her for a moment, unsure what to say. She isn't sure if maybe she's dead and this is the afterlife (though she never really believed in any kind of afterlife), or if this stranger has saved her from the lake and has brought her here for some unknown reason.

"Who are you?" she finally says slowly.

"I think the question is, who are _you_?" the woman asks. Clarke pauses, considering whether or not she should answer.

"I'm-," she starts but the strange woman cuts her off.

"I know your name, Clarke Griffin," the woman says with a chuckle. Clarke doesn't say anything. She glances around, wondering what her best method of escape is. Or maybe, she should just stay. All the water of the lake couldn't kill her, maybe this woman would. And then the ache in her chest would cease to bother her.

"I am Alika," the woman says. "I do not wish to kill you. I saved you."

"Why?" Clarke asks. She barely registers that Alika seems able to read her thoughts. "Why did you save me? I didn't want to be saved," Clarke demands, but her voice wavers and she sounds more like a scared little girl than the commanding leader she knows she is.

"I saved you because you did not know what you were giving up," Alika says.

"I've lost everything," Clarke whispers, her eyes brimming with tears. "Everything I've done… every choice I've made… it's all for nothing. Everyone we've lose is because of me." Her voice cracks then, and she can't hold her tears back any longer, and suddenly she's pouring out her soul to this complete stranger. "Bellamy, Finn, Wells, Charlotte… even my Dad. Mom… she says she did it to protect me, and what if she's right? And Raven can barely look at me, even if she does understand why I… did it. They're all better off without me… if I had just never existed, none of this would have happened."

Alika is silent while Clarke continues to sob, her body shaking as all her pent up emotion tumbles out.

"Clarke Griffin, I can make it so that you never existed, if that is what you wish," Alika tells her, after her violent sobs have turned into silent tears.

"How could you possibly do that?" Clarke says bitterly.

"I am what your kind would call a witch," Alika says. Clarke can't decide whether to laugh or not, but somehow she doesn't doubt that Alika is telling the truth. She has seen so much down here she never expected, she can hardly be surprised witches are real too.

"Do it then. Make it so that I never existed," Clarke commands firmly.

"Okay, but first, you need to see what would have happened had you not existed," Alika says knowingly.

"Fine," Clarke snaps. "Let's get it over with." Alika takes a handful of what looks like black sand from a jar and blows it across the fire into Clarke's eyes, blinding her for a moment before her eyes clear again, and she's no longer sitting in the dark with Alika.

She's standing on the ark, in her old home, everything is exactly as she remembers it. She feels vaguely annoyed at Alika, thinking this isn't what the witch promised her. But then she sees her dad.

"Dad?" she says in wonderment. Jake doesn't look up and Clarke realises he can't see her. It's like she isn't really there at all. _Just like I wanted._

But he's alive, like she wanted. So her mother had told the truth, and it was for Clarke that her father had died. The thought makes Clarke feel sick to her stomach, but at least she's making it right now.

Her relief is short lived, however, when the guards come barging into the room.

"Jake Griffin, you are under arrest for treason," one of the guards declares.

"No!" Clarke cries, but this time no one can hear her. Jake doesn't struggle or try to defend himself, but the guards drag him roughly from the room anyway. Abby is nowhere to be seen. Clarke follows the guards and her dad down the hall, though she doesn't know if she can bear to watch her father be floated again. But Alika hasn't pulled her from the vision yet (she figures that must be what this is, because it surely can't be real), so she figures she must have to see the whole thing.

But then as they continue down the hall she sees Wells. She knows she can't save her father now… she had always been dubious about her mothers claims about protecting her. But _Wells_, Wells she could surely save. Without her, he would never have gotten himself arrested and sent to earth. He'd be safe on the ark, and he could come down with the rest of them later. He'd be okay.

Her surroundings fade around her, and she's now on another part of the ark.

"We can't all go, Dad," Wells is saying to his father.

"Wells. We can't stay here. We're all taking the Exodus ship down. I'm the chancellor, my people need me. And I'm not leaving you here," Thelonius says authoritatively.

"You don't have a choice dad. I'm eighteen and I make my own choices. I can give up my place so someone more deserving can make it to earth. Enough people have died to keep us alive," Wells declares. "Besides, we don't even know if the earth is safe. We never could contact the prisoners you sent down."

Clarke wants to scream at him, but of course he wouldn't hear her. Doesn't he know what she would give up to keep him alive? Why does he always have to try and be noble and honourable?

Thelonius is silent for a while, staring at his son. He opens his mouth, then pauses before speaking.

"You're right. We should stay. I have faith in Marcus and Abby to lead our people," the chancellor nods. Clarke wonders briefly if the same man is still in there somewhere in the real universe back on earth. The scene around her changes again and she is still with Wells and Thelonius.

"I can't breathe, Dad," Wells chokes out. Thelonius grabs his son's hand comfortingly.

"It's going to be okay, son," he says softly. Clarke touches her eye, feeling the wetness there as she loses her best friend for the second time.

"I can't watch this," she whispers. Alika must hear her because all of a sudden the dark ark is replaced with the sunlight shining through the trees, and she's back on earth. She's glad she got to experience this simple bliss before she dies. She wonders if Wells felt the same.

The 100 are milling around, Clarke can feel the excitement in the air. She must have gone back in time, they seem to have only just arrived on earth. She sees Octavia and Bellamy, and Jasper and Monty, and Finn. She smiles, seeing them all so happy, before everything went wrong. So blissfully ignorant of everything to come.

She realises then that they don't know about the Grounders. They still think they're alone. And nobody is leaving to go and find supplies, so _how will they find out?_

Time seems to fast forward, no one really leaves the immediate vicinity of the drop ship. It's dark then, and someone has a fire going. Finn is flirting with Octavia until Bellamy walks over to him and tells him to get lost or he'll regret it. Clarke laughs to herself. She's forgotten what a jerk Bellamy used to be.

She follows Finn to see what he'll do next, but all he does is find another girl to flirt with. Surprisingly, Clarke doesn't feel jealous or upset with him, she's just glad he's alive. What does it matter if he's not alive with her? But then, what about Raven?

_ Raven. _What happened to her? Would Abby send her down if Clarke wasn't on the ground to save? Would Raven get a place on the Exodus ship?

Time passes, days maybe. She doesn't see it all but everyone looks a little worse for wear. This time they are all still wearing their bracelets… no one had been there to give Bellamy the idea to take them off.

It's night time again, and the kids are obviously hungry, though they still seem to be enjoying life without adults, Clarke notes as she sees a couple making out by the fire, their hands in each others clothes.

Clarke hears something in the trees and her head whips around. _Grounders_, she thinks. No one else seems to notice anything. They have no weapons, no fences, no way to defend themselves. _Bellamy will save them, _she thinks, looking around for him. But he isn't there, and by the looks of it neither is Octavia.

Clarke feels panic rise up inside her. She tries to get the attention of someone, _anyone_, but nothing she does has any effect on the world she is not a part of. She wants to scream as the Grounders raid the camp, spears and arrows brandished. But she can do nothing but stand and watch as all her people are massacred.

_But they aren't your people, Clarke,_ a voice in her head says. Is it her own or is it Alika? _You don't exist, remember? _

"Make it stop!" she cries, hoping Alika can hear her. "What about Raven? Show me Raven. Is she alive? Do her legs work?"

The blood bath around her is replaced with what can only be described as a wreckage. _The Exodus ship_, Clarke thinks. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. _They're all dead._ _Mount Weather crashed the ship, just like last time._

But Bellamy and Octavia, they could still be alive. If Clarke can save him, maybe it will still be worth it.

"Where is he?" Clarke calls to Alika, knowing the witch can hear her.

It's dark again, and Clarke can see Bellamy and Octavia sitting by a fire, their faces illuminated by the flames. By the looks of things this is only one or two nights after they landed.

"We shouldn't have left them," Octavia says.

"They're criminals, O," Bellamy reminds her.

"So are we, technically," Octavia rolls her eyes. "What are we going to do out here, just the two of us?"

"I know you think this is dumb. But if we stay there and then the rest of the Ark comes down, they'll kill me. I shot the chancellor, O. I'm a murderer," Bellamy whispers. Octavia seems about to reply, but she stops dead and turns to look behind her into the trees.

"Did you hear that?" she says to Bellamy. Bellamy nods and stands up, hand on his gun.

"Probably some kind of animal. Maybe we'll finally get to eat some meat," he grins.

"Be careful," Octavia says as Bellamy draws his gun and steps towards the trees. A spear comes flying through the trees and skewers Bellamy through the chest, reminding Clarke of Jasper on her first day on earth. She and Octavia shriek at the same time. Octavia seems torn between running to help her brother and staying on guard for whomever was in the trees.

"Who's there?" Octavia calls. Clarke goes over to Bellamy, wishing she could _do_ something. But she can't even touch him, can't even whisper to him that it's going to okay because she's there with him.

The Grounders spring into the clearing, surrounding Octavia, and Clarke can do nothing but watch as Octavia tries to fight them off, but ultimately it is one against six and Octavia can't overcome them. One of them grabs her from behind, holding a knife to her throat. For a moment Clarke thinks they're going to let her live, but then in one swift motion the Grounder cuts her throat and she crumples to the ground.

_Lincoln should have been here to save her, _Clarke thinks. But it was too soon, he didn't know her yet. Tears stream down her face as she turns her attention back to Bellamy. In this universe at least, he's not dead quite yet.

"Don't leave me," she sobs. "I was wrong, it's not worth the risk. I need you!" She imagines for a moment that he can hear her, and she gets the notion that this may be her only chance to say goodbye, in this universe or her own. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I love you." She hadn't realised until this moment that that's how she feels. The words just slip out, but she knows they are true and she realises that it doesn't make her weak. He makes her strong, he's always made her strong, and now she's lost him.

She's still crying when the vision fades and she's sitting in Alika's hut staring into the flames.

"Okay," she sobs, "I get it. It wasn't my fault all those people died."

"People make their own choices, Clarke," Alika says solemnly. "That is just one way things could have gone. Just as this path you are on now is just one way things could have gone."

"But it still hurts," Clarke whispers. Alika nods. "I don't know if I can go on. Can you show me what will happen if I go back?" Alika shakes her head.

"It is not yet determined," she says. "I cannot predict the future. Humans are far too unpredictable," Alika gives Clarke a wry smile. Clarke manages a short laugh, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Okay," Clarke nods. "I think I'm ready to go back." Alika smiles and takes a handful of sand, blue this time, and blows it over Clarke, making the world go dark again.

* * *

She coughs and splutters, water spewing out of her mouth as she sits up. She's by the lake again, naked, wet and shivering and her mom is leaning over her.

"Clarke," Abby gushes, tears in her eyes. "I thought you were dead." Clarke is still annoyed at her mother, but now is not the time to be angry. For now she's just glad her mom is still alive.

"What happened?" Clarke asks.

"I found you on the edge of the water," Abby smiles. "Gave you CPR. Your heart stopped Clarke, your lungs were full of water." Abby starts crying again. "I don't know if someone pulled you out and left you or if you floated to the edge but I'm just so happy you're alive. We were searching for hours!"

Clarke dresses herself and she and Abby walk back to camp together in silence, and although Clarke's heart still aches for all that she's lost, her shoulders feel a little lighter after her encounter with Alika.

"Harper's going to be okay," Abby informs Clarke. Clarke just nods. She feels selfish all of a sudden, for not worrying about Harper. For not bothering to ask anyone how they were, or what had happened in Mount Weather.

They walk in the gate at camp and Abby announces that Clarke is safe and well. Surprisingly, there are a lot of Grounders hanging around and Clarke wonders if they had been out looking for her too. Then Lexa appears from somewhere and walks purposefully up to Clarke.

"I'm glad you're safe," she says. Clarke nods and gives her a small smile. "We stormed Mount Weather while they were distracted by the escape of the Sky People. They will not be bothering us any longer," Lexa says firmly, clearly pleased with the outcome.

It takes Clarke a second to register what she's said.

"You stormed Mount Weather?" she repeats. Lexa nods. "And…" Clarke continues, hardly daring to hope. "You got everyone out safely?" Lexa nods again.

"Clarke," a familiar voice croaks behind her. Her heart swells and she turns around to face him, throwing her arms around him.

"Thank god," she breathes. "I thought you were dead. Don't ever leave me again, alright? I need you. Lexa was wrong, love isn't weakness," she murmurs into his neck.

"Love, huh?" Bellamy chuckles. Clarke pulls away, her face bright red.

"Yeah… I…" she tries to play it off, but the words won't come to her.

"Surely you have to know, I love you too," Bellamy tells her, somehow managing a smirk as he says it. "Come here, you idiot," he says, grabbing her and pulling her back into his arms.


End file.
